My first steady job ever was pushing carts at the age of 15 years old. The job was by no means glamorous-to most it would probably seem unappealing. I spent about 15 hours a week collecting grocery carts around the parking lot of a general store, shoving them into each other and lining them up against a dirty brick wall. My other (less important) responsibilities included cleaning up “spills” in the aisles of the store, collecting trash, helping customers load up their cars with heavy items, and facing any surprises left for me in the bathrooms. I did this job because at 15 years old it was my only real option for making money. For the longest time I tried to find a different job within the store, but because of my age I was always pointed back in the direction of my cart pushing and janitorial duties. As time passed on I continued to carry my frustrations but developed enjoyment for some of the simplicities that came along with my job. To this day I will never forget things like the way the black top glistened after a rain filled day, and the peaceful aloneness of the empty lot at closing time. I remember the distinct satisfaction that came from winding down after frantically rushing carts into the store for hours on end. There was nothing quite like strutting around, dirty and filthy, and just not caring because there was absolutely no reason to impress anyone. As a cart pusher, I learned I could be invisable or noticable at my convenience. You would think pushing carts would be mostly an isolating job but while I got to enjoy the solitude of being alone, I also had the balanced opportunity to enjoy people. Many times my “invisability” would come in handy when resentful people saw my insignificance and couldn’t care less enough to give me a second look. Because of this, I rarely had to deal with negative situations. I minded myself while most other people focused on their priorities. Happy people usually noticed me as they were often eager to pour their contentment onto someone, and I was the perfect subject for this. Old people, young people, and people from all different walks of life would gravitate towards me as a teenage, petite girl pushing rows of heavy carts. I believe my “standing out” was mostly due to the fact I was a young woman laboring over a job that was primarily thought to be fitting for my male counterpart. Both my bounce and my non threatening presence made me approachable to all who were looking to approach. Often, people would stop me to talk about their day, lecture me, get things off their chest, admire my work ethic, or preach to me about something ridiculous. Regardless of what we talked about, people expressed gratitude in my willingness to take the time to listen to their thoughts.
Over nine years later, there is still one conversation I go back to from this period of my life. It was the first time I learned about the ever changing nature of living, and so I consider it to be one of my biggest life lessons. It was a clear, sunny day and a nice elderly lady had approached me to strike up a conversation. When she first started talking I assumed she was just another person that was going to preach something religious. While I didn’t radically hate religious preachings, I did feel a slight resistance when people pushed their beliefs onto me. However, as she continued talking I started finding myself intrigued. This lady…let’s call her Mary… started describing something she called “Super Consciousness”. According to Mary, Super Consciousness is this idea that people are lent to us with a time restraint. Whenever someone comes into our lives, they may stay for a long or short period of time, but they will be taken away from us at some point. Mary went on to describe her relationships and how the concept of Super Consciousness applied to them. I remember Mary getting teary eyed while she described the timeline of her marriage to her husband. She emphasized the joy she had when she lost him to the same extent she as she emphasized the joy she had in the early days of their relationship. Mary explained that there was a higher power who gifted her the amazing relationship with her partner, and when he was taken away she could only feel appreciation for the time she had gotten wth him.
While this is all logic in a way, it was extremely shocking at the time. It is so easy to take relationships with people for granted and think that when they start, they will be there forever. But the reality of things is that nothing is permanent and endings are always inevitable. Some things end sooner, and others end later but every relationship, situation, and “thing” will at some point cease to exist as we know it.
Recently I have questioned whether anything we are familiar with is actually “never ending”. It seems as though the only thing plausibly immortal might be matter itself. Even the universe, while it is seemingly grand and invincible from our tiny perspectives, could have an ending if it follows the natural process of everything we know. Endings are always difficult for people as we struggle in our adjustment to change and try to maintain permanence with what sits well to us. The battle of accepting change carries on, but if endings can be viewed more like transitions, we might find our adjustments a little less uncomfortable. The realization of constant shifts happening everywhere around us may help eleviate the shock and discomfort when something ends that we never thought would.
Well, I guess to sum it up- life is hard… but no one said it was going to be easy! I believe we can still find our peace.
thesearchwithinme 