It’s been nearly two years since I have been back to the house I grew up and spent 22 years of my life in. I haven’t been back since the summer we moved out. Not only that, but when we did move out I made no effort to give the memories I left behind me in that house a formal goodbye. I have been avoiding taking a trip back there for reasons I haven’t really thought through. Today on a whim while I was out driving, I decided to go back.
And here it is. Significantly different in many ways, and also eerily the same as when I left it behind. When I saw it today I almost felt like I was in some sort of alternate reality. It was like I was intruding on someone else’s life- but I was revisiting my own life. It was hard to decipher between what was mine and what was theirs. I know in my head this house is someone else’s home base now. It is where the family that lives there makes their own memories similar to my family’s past memories. Birthdays. Holidays. Fights. Make ups. Family dinners… Still, in my heart… there is a piece of this house that will always be mine. Something I feel can’t be taken away from me.
As I drove up the first thing I noticed was the brightly painted blue door. While the whole house presents itself in a alternative variety of colors than I am used to, the blue door grabs the most attention out of anything. The next thing I noticed was that the bright blue door framed a dog that looked like some kind of spaniel. The dog barked at me as I slowly pulled up to the house, protecting what it learned to be it’s property. This dog reminded me of our family dogs (ironically, one was a springer spaniel) that had sat in that exact spot throughout my entire childhood, doing the same thing. Not only do I have engrained memories of all of our dogs sitting and barking and waiting in this spot, but I have physical pictures of our dogs in this spot that I believe are still on my phone. Admittedly I couldn’t help but to park my car and get out just to stare at my old house. It was tempting to go up to it and start to explore all of the familiar crevices that I have known for so many years, but it was also deterring to know that what I wanted to explore was no longer mine to explore. At one point a little boy appeared in the doorway next to the dog. The little boy was probably only 3 or 4 years old, and I can only assume that he was a little confused as to why there was a woman parked outside his house- blindly staring. Not knowing what to do I waved at the little boy which caused him to wave back without hesitation. The boy stared at me for another couple minutes before he disappeared from the door frame. I had an urge to tell the child that I had been a child in his exact spot; however, I knew he might not care about this idea even if he was able to comprehend it. Not soon after I figured that my presence was already intrusive enough, so I left. I hopped in my car and I made my way back to my life after this house- the one I started nearly 2 years ago.
Some things we have to leave behind but it doesn’t mean they should ever be forgotten. The memories we revisit may not be current, but they are as real as the moment when we were in the midst of them. Memories manifest themselves as a physical part of us, make us who we are, and define what we do. While it is bittersweet to leave behind and revisit old memories, I think it’s neat when they get to be a part of someone else’s life. I hope it means as much to them as it does to me.
thesearchwithinme 